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The New Lease/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man with a firm grasp on the boat and dock -- that great cast-off, my uncle, your hero, red green! (applause and cheering) appreciate it. Thank you, harold. You're the man! Thank you very much. I was hoping to get into a new project. I got some government paperwork that I gotta clear up. About your missing birth certificate? They found the dead sea scrolls. (audience laughing) no, harold, come off it. The lodge is on leased land. We've had the lease for 99 years, but she's up. They're gonna raise our rent 500%. 500%?! Yes, sir. That's ridiculous! They can't do that! They did it. They got us up to five bucks. Five bucks for 100 years? Don't I wish! It's five bucks for 99 years. It was gonna be three bucks, but old man sedgwick talked to them and now it's five. Well, really, five bucks isn't too bad. Do you have your wallet on you? No, no, no! No, no, no, not my money -- your money. You want to raise it, then you can return your empties. That's a great idea. We weren't drinking -- we were investing. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Harold, you can rest easy. Cleared the empties out of the storage shed. We covered the five bucks. Even had money left over. How much left over? 783 bucks. Wow. That's a lot. You should see how much room we got in that storage shed. We should use that to store stuff. Did you read this entire letter? That's a government letter -- you don't read those. You look at the box says how much money you owe. It says, in the middle, that you gotta make a presentation. What?! You gotta make a speech to a committee and convince them that the lease should be renewed. Then the committee decides which organization will get it. Harold, who's competing with us on this? Everybody! The rotarians, the possum lake canoe club, the vintage car club, the girl scouts... There's even a motorcycle club, satan's second choice. They can't do this! This is our spot! You said you like competition. This is just competition. I only like competition when I win! (audience laughing) (red): Later on, in "adventures with bill", gonna do some water-skiing. Getting ready and starting up... That motor does not-- it's got the old hand-pull. I didn't realize the ski rope was across the puller, and bill set the handle down and apparently hooked it onto a rock and, wouldn't you know it, there goes the motor! Unfortunately, the ski rope started winding around and started pulling me a little-- yeah, mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. All righty. So, uh, we'll think of something else. Ohhh! Ohhh! We'll get a plan "b"-- ohhh! And we'll get right on that. Mmm! ♪ ohhh, she was a cedar-strip cruising yacht ♪ ♪ the nicest boat I ever bought ♪ ♪ not concerned with how my heart would break ♪ ♪ she's gone but not forgotten ♪ ♪ she was a good boat but totally rotten ♪ ♪ my love is deep ♪ ♪ unfortunately, so is the lake ♪ this is for the big one! The grand prize of a set of miniature lawn darts from wang fu's acupuncture centre. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to make mr. Buzz sherwood say this word. Buzz. Oh! The word is... Ha-ha! Wa-hahhh... (audience laughing) ahhhh... Nudist! (giggling) all right, buzz. Someone who is naked is... ... Fun! No, no, no. If a woman doesn't believe in wearing clothes, you would call her a... ... A lot! (audience laughing) ok, no, no. This is the name of someone who doesn't wear clothes. Oh, susan. No, no, more than one person. The murphy sisters? I'm looking for a generic word, here. A man or woman who doesn't wear clothes. Oh, like that donald guy! What's he got, anyway? We're almost out of time. These people go around in the buff. Nuns! I think that's time -- we're out of time. Thanks for playing. Nuns go around in the buff? Oh, I thought you said "bus"! (audience laughing) this week on "handyman corner", we'll do a project that shows you how to make do with what you have. I have a leaky roof. Many people would try and fix that. That's because they think the roof will hold their weight. I know better. Instead, I'm gonna make home-made beer. Then I won't care if it's raining. Water is the big ingredient when you're making beer, especially if you're making american beer. So... With the water coming down through the roof, it really adds to the flavour of the beer and it helps me give it a name. She's comin' off a big cedar log so I'll call my beer "big cedar lager... "the woodsman's beer that makes you cut and split." thirsty yet? (thunder) the next thing you need is something they call "bittering hops". I have no idea what that is, so I asked the guys at the lodge and after five hours, it became clear they had no idea, either, which is amazing, considering their familiarity with the final product. I decided to break her down. You got bittering and you got hops. I figure... "bittering" has got to be for your lemons and "hops" has gotta be rabbit food. It doesn't affect the alcohol content so it doesn't really matter. Fire that in there and put your washing machine on to the "pre-wash", let the bittering hops work for a while. Wondered where that shirt went. All right, once that cycle's done, you want to add malt extract. You're probably guessing this here is a chocolate malt. (sniffing) and earlier this year, it probably was. All right, put that in there. Then you start 'er up on whatever cycle suits the beer you're making. For english beer, set 'er on "permanent press". For the light beer, maybe go "delicate". For a beer that doesn't make you go to the bathroom, set 'er on "rinse and hold". All right, I'm supposed to add something called "finishing hops". Again, I have no idea what that is so they must just mean the rest of the rabbit food. Don't forget. I'm making do with what I have, plus I don't care. All right, when that's done, I'm gonna filter the beer. I gotta store it somewhere cold for two weeks. This is now my beer fridge. I got my pipes running in through the fridge where I'm gonna store the beer. I got 'em coming out to my beer tap for dispensing the beer. I've used the main chamber of the fridge but you could run the pipes through the freezer if you were making an ice beer. Now we come to the most important ingredient whenever you're making beer, and that is your yeast. Whatever you do, don't try to make do. Don't try to use baking soda or dish detergent. The yeast is what makes it beer. That's what gives you your colour, clarity, your flavour, and most importantly, your alcoholic content. (audience laughing) there we go. You want to immediately pump the beer into your storage vat, which, in this case, is the fridge. Now I need something to make do as a filter. Oh! There, this piece of shirt will work absolutely fine. Now what we want to do is take the drain-pump from the washing machine and just pump 'er right through. You know, this is actually called "wart" and this is called "transferring the wart". I was gonna call it "removing the wart" but I thought it would make the beer hard to drink. She's leaking a little. We've waited the two weeks... Or close enough. Felt like two weeks. I'm guessing the beer is ready for tasting. The beauty is, we've made our micro-brewery right in our own home. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. After a couple of beers, they might even find you handsome. The beauty is, we didn't buy anything. We just made do. (spitting) or maybe we made doo-doo. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Want to talk to you guys about those 4:00-in-the-morning can't-sleep thoughts that wander into your head. You know those thoughts. Scary thoughts. Thoughts about how perfect life used to be... Before you were married... Before you were employed... Before you were in hock up to your eyeballs... Back in the days when your belt was shorter than your in-seam... When going to the bathroom once before bedtime would do 'er. You're lying there, dreaming about starting over, getting in shape, changing your job, buying a new car, and moving somewhere where people will think you're dangerous. I know -- at 4:00 a.M. It's easy to imagine that you're antonio banderas. That's because you can't see the mirror. Look at it this way. Your stomach's full, you're warm, you're lying down. Why would you give that up to roll over and tell the missus that you're leaving to go out and start a garage band? Don't do it -- just count your blessings. You got most of your health, some of your mortgage paid off, and the semi-respect of some of your friends. That's going to look good in the morning, even if you don't. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) well, everything is totally under control. In a few hours, I'm gonna have that committee eating out of my hand. Your speech will impress them? Not so much the speech. It's slamming the competition, is what it's doing... Especially those girl guides with that cookie scam. No, no, uncle red, rules forbid presenters from criticizing other contenders. What are we supposed to do? Bribe somebody or something? No, no, no, no, no! You gotta make the speech as to all the good things about possum lodge. We have good things here? Yeah, we got lots of good things. We got, um... Uh... No, that was in "baywatch". (audience laughing) I know one. Remember that radioactive scare we had? Those readings were well within acceptable levels. That's it! That's what we do! We'll do what politicians do. I can't -- I got a conscience and a bad back. (audience laughing) what we do... This is so good, you're gonna love it. (siren) come on, come on! Come on, come on! Come on, come on! Possum 911 -- what's your problem? Uh, red, it's dalton humphrey. Can't help you there -- any other problems? (laughing) I'm just not quite sure. Uh, family's out of town and... I just don't feel so good. What is it? The ticker? You got pressure, shooting pains, slurred speech? Do you smell burned toast? No, I'm strong as a horse but, you know... I think I miss my family. Oh, boy, dalton. Yeah, weird, huh? I couldn't wait for them to leave and now, I mean... Well, I'm embarrassed to bring it up but I feel bad, red. They've only been gone a day or two and I... I guess it's been four days. What is the date today? The 14th. Ok, they've been gone two weeks, but, uh... I think I might be a little bit lonely. Ok, ok, take it easy, dalton. We've seen this before. Just relax -- I'm gonna put harold on the line. Tell dalton what happened last night. Ok, last night, I was watching t.V. I spilled pop all over the couch. I was eating potato chips at the same time. This syrup got all over the couch. The chip crumbs got stuck in there, too. For crying out loud, harold! How many times have I told you, no pop on the couch! If you're eating chips, clean up after yourself! You know what it costs to have a couch cleaned? That help, dalton? Perfect, red -- that's just the fix I needed. (audience laughing) (red): Here we are with plan "b" on water-skiing. Yeah, all right, bill -- so he's, uh... He's pointing away from the water. I got the rope hooked around the old possum van. You know, they say that mother is the invention of... Uh... There's an expression of some kind there -- away we go. Wow, look at that, eh? Don't you kids try this. You could hardly get the van into your home. Look -- isn't that great? Cypress gardens, including the gardens. You don't see that every day. Look at him, ripping along. I thought he might slalom but bill's such a chicken. Where I made the mistake was looking back all the time and then-- ohhh! By golly! (laughing) now there's nobody driving the van, bill! You got no driver! You might want to just... You might want to stop. All right, good, good. I would work on the braking... The braking aspect. Want to go again, little boy? Only this time, there's a door charge. Oh, you're fine. Yeah! You gotta return those skis. A viewer sent red green work socks, as if you'd see "red green" and "work" in the same sentence. I've been working on my presentation. That committee's gonna be impressed. Look at this -- the future site of the possum lodge waterfront area, huh? How many cookies will those girl scouts have to sell to build this baby? (laughing) uncle red, it's a travel poster of the caribbean. Check the fine print. Look -- read that -- what does that say? "artist's conception". (laughing) I love a loop-hole! I took your advice. Look at this speech -- I put a positive spin on everything. I started with an environmental issue. "metal recovery programme" -- what's that? Every spring, we pull our snowmobiles out of the lake. If you check there, I ended by pointing out that we're preserving a heritage site. You've never fixed anything here in your life! We're keeping this place in its original historic condition. (laughing) what? What are you doing? What? Ohhh... Ohhh... Revisionist. (audience laughing) come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on. Just once, you ought to use your brain before you use your mouth. She's got that beautiful, romantic evening planned. The candlelight, wine, the kids off at sleep-overs. Just as she's hammering away on the ketchup bottle, she asks -- you know, whimsically... "what was the happiest day of your life?" and you blurt out, "the day "the toronto maple leafs traded for dougie gilmour." (audience laughing) nice work -- real smooth. Yeah, yeah, good. No wonder she's in the bathroom, bawling her eyes out. She won't be coming out. Can you blame her? What you gotta do is tell her what you meant was that your life was on a losing streak until she came to you. Yes! "just like dougie coming to the leafs, you're... "you're the captain of my heart." wow, eh? "you gave me my goals... "even banked a few off the post." (audience laughing) "just like dougie, you're the centre who made it work." yeah, you love her moves. And you'd like to give her body a check! Or, uh... Or love her end to end. I think the hockey thing can go a little too far. You don't want to start mentioning that dougie has no front teeth, for example. I'd also stay away from the term "face-off". But eventually, she'll come out and recognize you for the romantic lug that you are. And then, you know what's happening. A little one-on-one! Sudden death overtime. Hold it -- hockey stops when you hit the bedroom door. The leafs haven't gone all the way since '67! (laughing and applause) welcome to the expert portion, where we examine those three words that men find so hard to say. (audience): "I don't know!" ha-ha! Excellent! Ok. This week, joining my uncle red is his very best friend in the whole wide room, ferryboat captain mr. Hap shaughnessy! (applause and cheering) ok, all righty. Ok, our viewer writes... "dear experts" -- wahhh -- "my husband says that "everything on television is a load of crap. "I prefer to say 'a load of bad stuff'. "do you think television is a load of bad stuff?" I do -- it's all crap, as far as I'm concerned. Well, everything except this show. Right, uncle red? Not this show. All right, if you say so. Ohhhh... How about you, mr. Shaughnessy? Do you think television's a load of bad stuff? Yeah... Yes, I do, harold. Yeah, it's all crap. (audience laughing) it could have been so great -- that's what hurts. I'm almost sorry I invented it. Invented what, hap? Crap? (audience laughing) no! Television. I was gonna call it "hap-evision" but I changed me mind when I saw so many of those early pilots and the way they turned out. Everyone was saying, "who invented television?" and I said, "I'll never tell." they started calling it "never tell-evision", then they called it "television" and the rest is history. (audience laughing) history in the making, I'd say. So I washed my hands of the whole thing, outside of a brief stint when I took over "the tonight show" from jack paar. I couldn't stand that hollywood scene. It was so phony. Tough for you to stand out in that crowd. (laughing) (singing) yeah. (laughing) we got it -- the lease is ours. Excellent work all the way -- we were so cool. It helped that almost all the other competitors withdrew. Never understood why that happened. They drove by and changed their minds. A lot of them needed the buildings to be safe or insurable, so... You could fix this place up. That's a pretty expensive proposition! Consultants said it's cheaper to blow it up and live in the hole. The main thing is, we only had one competitor. That was leech lodge from up near port asbestos. They actually got the ok from the committee before we did -- that was scary for a while! They had to ask for time to come up with the five bucks. (laughing) yes, they did -- it was very odd that at that particular moment, their treasurer lost his wallet. The main thing is, we got the lease and we're back in business. You stole that man's wallet. No, I did not, sir. Yes, you stole their rent money, uncle red. I borrowed the wallet for the hearing, gave it to them afterwards. Anybody who leaves their wallet lying around... It was in his pocket! It was a really baggy pocket. (possum squeal) meeting time, uncle red. I'll be down in a minute. We got the lease, harold! Whooo! By golly! If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. I'm thinking, they say time is money. If 99 years is five bucks, then my life so far adds up to $2.39... And I hope you'll agree that I'm worth it. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): Oh, ok, all righty! Stand up, stand up! All rise! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. Buster hadfield wanted me to announce that that animal you saw at his place is not a camel. It's just a donkey with two bad mosquito bites. Ow! Meeting's adjourned. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!